FWFWW Ep 3: Double date drama afoot

It's one of the nuggets to come out of episode three of Farmer Wants a Wife 2024.

In this episode, everyone seems to have the same coordinates on the travel plans to a location called, Knoweachotherbetter.

It's where everyone is trying to get to.

The majority of discussions which take place between participants continue to tick the cliche boxes; yacking on about getting one-on-one time, being fair, sharing time and making a big decision.

There's also the old "go with my heart" line, while the Mention Counter clocks over at 11 uses of the word "connection" this episode.

There is plenty of paddock, aerial and landscape footage for the ABC's Landline if that show is ever caught short.

Here's what everyone gets up to on a farmer by farmer basis.

Farmer Dustin, who resembles a curious mix of Leo Sayer, Alan Davies and Gardening Australia presenter, Josh Byrne, likes a clean machine.

With this in mind, it's off to wash and polish the header, a common task on most broadacre properties.

For a brief moment, this writer hopes Dustin walks out and says: "Now Biff, I want to make sure we get two coats of wax this time, not just one." But it doesn't happen.

Tiffany embarks on a mission to pat a cow. She achieves this so whatever happens from here on, she can go home happy.

It's double date time and Dustin takes Anna and Kara into Vella's Bistro within the Imperial Hotel at "Condo", admitting he only really goes to town once a month. That's not for a regular haircut either, it seems.

Anna apparently nabs a job as a kitchen hand at the Imperial as she announces she's "going to see if the food is ready", leaving Kara and Dustin to have a largely uninteresting chat.

In their own one-on-one, Anna trots out the phrase "friend-zoned", meaning she hopes Dustin doesn't classify her as just a friend. She uses the phrase about another 82 times before the episode is out.

Eventually, Dustin sends Cara packing... and packing and packing, judging by the three caravans of luggage he helps her lug to the waiting Isuzu vehicle.

"Everyone worries that you're going to get hurt in the long run but if you worry about it forever you're never going to do anything," Farmer Bert says.

It's hard to know if he's talking about picking pineapples or relationships.

For those unsure about what crop he grows, it's pineapples.

Like some in-joke, the producers/set designers have attempted to get a pineapple in just about every shot involving the Queensland farmer; they are on tables, benches, lounges, in the paddock and in crates.

At one point, April actually wears a shirt with pineapples on. It's like a Golden Circle commercial.

Bert jokes around about snakes on the farm before demonstrating how to handle a snake bite. There are plenty of nervous, fake giggles.

Then they are all in the paddock picking pineapples.

The work day ends with Bert starting up a nice warming fire; just what's needed to cool everyone down in the northern heat.

Lauren and April are chosen to go clay target shooting.

There's nothing safer than handing a loaded gun each to two desperate women.

The biggest revelation among all these tired conversations is that Lauren appears to hail from New Zealand.

Perhaps she would have been better matched to a wool producer.

Lauren admits she's not on fire for Bert, describing it as "a slow burner but I'm not anti-it". That's comforting.

Back inside, a feeding frenzy erupts on Karli with three of the other ladies tearing into her like crows on a roadkill.

Bert says: "I hate drama." Had he not watched the show before applying to go on it?

April gets asked to go home.

Joe, the Bombala farmer with a tooth gap like a cattle crush, uses his temporary team of farmhands to round up some cattle.

Calya chases cattle about in a short skirt, boasting of her achievements when they, eventually, go the right way.

"It was all me. I got the cows in," she declares.

Later in the kitchen, Joe brings in an orphaned lamb he's named Jack. The girls fawn over it.

Few realise there's a real possibility Jack could end up back in the kitchen at a later stage, only this time served with mint sauce and roast potatoes.

An overtly loud text message sound is heard and Joe says: "Oh, someone has just sent me a message here." There's no risk of an Academy Award heading his way.

His double date takes Keely and Chelsea off to a gravelly swimming hole. The girls paint on their swimsuits and they all pile into a punt-nosed tinny for a row, only to tumble out into the water upon the director's instruction.

Joe reveals he's been really hurt. Not by the boat exit but by a relationship break-up.

He chats to both girls separately with Chelsea, who appears absolutely frozen in most shots, donning an Inspector Gadget-like coat for the occasion.

A point is made about Joe's ripped physique and then further highlighted by a slow motion walk from the water, just as Daniel Craig does as James Bond in Casino Royale.

And like 007, Joe doesn't hesitate to jettison female luggage.

This time, it is Chelsea who finds out that the world is not enough. Or at least, she's not enough for Joe Bond.

Farmer Tom gets the girls to clean out a horse yard with small shovels.

It's like watching kids move rice off a plate with toothpicks.

Krissy gets a splinter but rather than take out a WorkCover claim, she whines to Tom to fix it. That takes about seven days, according to the other ladies.

Tom has a chat with Sarah which eventually leads to him doing some dental work for her, progressing to a full endoscopy with his tongue.

Stablehand Taylah has a crack at him about getting free farm labour. It's a valid point and quite possibly what draws some farmers to the show in the first place.

Wanting to look handy, Abby (who could be Sam Farmytage's sister) gets stuck-in winding up wire.

It's every girl's dream date for the double date participants, Abby and Taylah, as they head to the Nagambie Speedway.

Taylah embraces it full throttle, literally, getting a bit of drift action and impressing Tom.

Abby is left in the dust, literally, on the sidelines.

Then it's her turn to gear up and get behind the wheel of Lightning McQueen.

It turns out to be more Driving Miss Daisy than Days of the Thunder.

It's somewhat ironic then, that Abby slams the door on the Isuzu departure vehicle when shown the chequered flag by Tom, indicating her race is over.

It's not a good look for Dean who gets the double date text message and hands it to one of the girls to read out.

One would think the ability to read is pretty much a deal breaker for most women.

Never mind all those consonants and vowels; there's a cow stuck in the mud and old Deano is off to unstuck it.

In nothing but a pair of swimmers, Dean gets in the muck to put a strap around the beast while his dad on the John Deere 6110M attempts to provide the pulling power.

The girls, most of whom got the memo about wearing denim shorts, watch on in amazement.

"I was struggling so hard because I just wanted to get in there and help," Kate says. Yet, she doesn't get in there to help.

Having been freed from the bog, the cow shows no appreciation by then turning on the Deanster with her head down, going in for the charge.

Still shirtless, he hotsteps it away, showing his rodeo clowning abilities.

(NOTE: Having witnessed a rank cow stuck in an awkward position, it could be quite easy at this point to suggest an untoward parallel of the human participants but given feedback from last year's blog, that sort of caper will be left out. Any thoughts or comparisons now flowing in the reader's mind is purely a cause of their own dark interpretations.)

Dean takes a moment or seven to catch his breath. Freeing cows is hardcore cardio.

While all this is happening, Bella tries to claim extra brownie points by staying at the house and tidying up. It makes the other girls very suspicious. (Of both Bella and housework.)

He picks Kate and Tiffany for his barefoot bowls double date at the mighty Kandanga Country Club. Nothing much happens.

Keen Dean sends Kate into the sunset, leaving in an Isuzu vehicle.

Previous Blog Entries